


Anchors of love

by lichtertanz



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-06 15:47:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15198074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lichtertanz/pseuds/lichtertanz
Summary: "Alec suddenly realized that the immortality of Magnus was not the safety-net he had assumed so far. If things had gone slightly different today he could have easily be gone just in seconds"Alternative story shortly set after Ragnor Fell was killed and Alec find himself struggeling with the biggest relevation in his life: Magnus Bane.Thank you Harry Shum Jr. and Matthew Daddario for bringing these characters alive in such a beautiful way.Thank you Cassandra Clare for creating Magnus Bane and Alexander Lightwood.





	1. Clinging to different lives

"What happened? Did you get the information?" Alec rushed to Jace and Clary as they entered the Institute again. Izzy followed him quickly. 

 

"We got attacked and a demon killed him" Clary replied desparately and exhaused. 

 

Alec tried to process her statement. She and Jace had left with Magnus and now just the two of them were back ... Nooo. This couldn't be. Not like that. Not before ... "What...how...who was killed??" Alec stuttered afraid of hearing the answer. He had been fighting so hard to stay away from the warlock and even from the distance he was sometimes overwhelmed by all his emotions and thoughts triggered by Magnus Bane. Not getting close was his only answer because he was completely shaken at the prospect of how his life would turn upside down. So he fought with everything he had not to give into his feelings. Still he wondered in the back of his head if he could really keep up his determination for long. With each encounter it was more and more difficult not to let his longing win. What if it didn't matter anymore? What if Magnus was gone and it was not up to Alec anymore to have a change of heart? 

  

"Ragnor Fell" Jace responsed quickly sensing the building panic in his parabatai. "We should have been more careful. Magnus tried to heal him after the attack but he couldn't."

 

Izzy looked at her brother seeing all kind of feelings rushing through his face.

 

"Where is Magnus now...how is he?" Alec whispered almost not being able to speak. 

 

"We split up. I think he portaled back home" Jace answered. 

 

"He is okay. At least physically. But ..."  Clary added. 

 

"But what?" Alec hold his breath while feeling a heavy weight on his chest. 

 

"I think many people assume that nothing can bother the High Warlock of Brooklyn...but you and I know Magnus cares. Even if he often tries to hide it. But I get it. If you live for such a long time you not only make connections but you loose so many too. And now he hasn't been able to save one of his oldest friends. He must feel terrible." 

 

Alec felt a sharp pain through his heart thinking about all the moments where Magnus had reached out to him and all Alec had done was pushing him away. Each time harder than before. He was so focused on fighting his feelings that he didn't really take the time to think if or how it would hurt Magnus. This attraction between them was nothing special, it would fade quickly. Magnus was here for eternity and Alec was nothing but a tiny meaningless distraction for a short glimpse of time. At least that was what Alec had tried to persuade himself over and over. He suddenly realized that the immortality of the High Warlock of Brooklyn was not the safety-net he had assumed so far. It wouldn't save Magnus from heartbreak and if things had gone slightly different today he could also easily be gone just in seconds. 

 

"Alec. Are you alright? You look like you have just been hit by a demon" Izzy softly started rubbing the back of her brother. 

 

"I can't ... I can't breath ... oh my god ... if anything happens to him ..."

 

Izzy took Alec in a small embrace. "Oh Alec ... I didn't know. I mean obviously there is something going on between the two of you. And Magnus has been nothing but adorable babbling about you. Trying to figure out, if you like him too. Your interests and dislikes. How he can enlighten your grumpy face. This connection seems to go already way deeper and further I have thought. 

 

 

Alec again felt a rush of emotions.  _For almost a century I've closed myself off to feeling anything for anyone, man or woman. You've unlocked something in me._ He remembered how he had been lost for words after this confession of Magnus. Only now he slowly began to understand the scope. Falling for a person is rare, even if you have eternity on your side. Maybe it is even worse, since you have to go through all the heartbreak too. Having no guarantee to find someone who would return the feeling.   _Marriage_  is a  _wonderful institution_ ,  _not_  that I would  _know_. Suddenly Alec became very angry. About a world where over centuries nobody had been there to make such a commitment to Magnus. Including himself. Maybe his actions were even crueller. How could he propose to a complete stranger while the one person he really cared about was right there begging him not to go through with it? How could he throw away the chance of being in love together? Not only for him but especially for the wonderful soul Magnus Bane was. Alec had not allowed himself to think about how his life would be with him on his side. But he had especially not allowed himself to imagine a future without him. Until now. Suddenly the prospect of not having each other was so much more terrifying than any other possible version of his life. 

 

"How could I ever....fuck I totally messed up". Alec finally spoke out loud. 

 

"Well I'm glad you are finally aware of it. Because now you have the chance to make it up dearest brother" Izzy gave him a reassuring smile. 

 

"What if I am too late? What if he doesn't want to do anything with me anymore? What if he can't forgive my stupid stubbornness? I mean I wouldn't blame him after how I treated him" Alec never felt so horrified about his actions in his life before. 

 

"I live with your stubbornness every day and I still love you Alec. There is only one way to find out. Reach out to him. And do it very soon. Not only because of your feelings but because he needs and deserve someone on his side. Especially after what he is going through at the moment. And seeing how much you care about him I think you could be that person"  Izzy replied determined.  

 

"I have to go. Now." Alec hugged Izzy shortly before hurrying out of the Institute, leaving an astonished Jace and Clare and a smiling Izzy behind. 

He would try to make it right this time. And even if Magnus Bane didn't want him in his life anymore he would make sure that he was looked after by someone else. Finally following his heart Alec was on the way to Brooklyn in the middle of the night once more. 

 


	2. Falling into darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus. Not good enough. All his powers. Himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is short but intense. It may seem hopeless but help is on the way. Keep this in mind please. Not only in this story but in reality too.

Not good enough. All his powers. Himself. Magnus had felt useless before but now he failed the one person who he had actually been able to trust the most on earth. Ragnor was dead. Magnus wandered from one room to another in his loft. Passing by memories of a life which was not there anymore. It felt so hard to breath in a world where his best friend couldn't anymore. 

 

Living an eternal life meant having the chance to start all over again. But for what? For whom? Another person who would just leave him or even didn't care to be with him in the first place? Alexander ... oh all the things that had happened and all the things that didn't happen between them. Magnus knew it was so silly to imaging a possible life together after such a short time. But after what had felt like forever feeling a tiny bit of hope in his heart again was overwhelming. He should have know better. This day was cruel and tomorrow wasn't going to be better. The only person he longed for after all this time would rather spend his life with a stranger than with Magnus. He had tried so hard to get close to him. Again not good enough. All his feelings. Himself. 

 

As he stepped outside on his balcony he felt the cold wind in his face slowly drying his tears. He starred at the stars. Normally they would remind him that nothing could be so dark that light wouldn't find it's way. But today after he lost his oldest friend they seemed nothing but a cruel reminder of himself. Maybe they looked shimmering at the first glance but they had long ceased to exist. 

 

Suddenly a strange calmness settled in. Slowly he went to the edge of his balcony. He had one power left and he was determined to use it. Letting himself go in a world full of people who would or could not care about him anyway.  He didn't have to feel his heart anymore. He didn't have to breath again. 

 

With one last look at the stars he climbed over the rail. Eternity would end right here. Tonight.

 

 


	3. Beneath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Without realizing it the one thing Alec would normally hide from the world besides his feelings appeared and now he could only hope that he was not to late to save Magnus and himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I would write this chapter later but I couldn't let Magnus hang in there. Literally.

Thousand thoughts and feelings rushed through Alec's head and heart. Would Magnus let him in his life again after he had pushed him so far away? Would he find the right words to explain that the only and crazy reason why he had done it was because he actually cared too. So much more than he had ever expected.

 

When he arrived at his destination he took a deep breath. Standing in front of the building he looked up and saw that the lights were on in the loft. Magnus seemed to be home and that was everything what mattered right now. 

 

Alec was already moving in the direction of the entrance when he saw a dark shadow lingering on the edge of the balcony. Magnus was strong. He wouldn't do something like that? Would he? Alec remembered Clary's and Izzy's concerned voices. 

 

 

Suddenly the shadow began to move and again Alec's couldn't breath as he realized the figure was about to crash down from the high building right in front of him. 

 

* * *

 

 

Magnus wondered how much pain he would feel a last time when hitting the ground. Abruptly a thought came up in his mind. What if his soul would not even find peace in death? Panic spread in at the revelation that trying to end his life would probably not set him free at all. But it was way too late now. In a few moments he would find out, if he would still feel trapped in death the same as he had been most of his course of his life. 

 

* * *

 

 

The shocking view made Alec's whole body shiver but luckily his survival instincts kicked it. He knew that it was technically not his life on the line right now. But at the same time it was exactly his life even if it belonged to Magnus Bane. Without realizing it the one thing he would normally hide from the world besides his feelings appeared and now he could only hope that he was not to late to save Magnus and himself. 

 

* * *

 

Magnus waited for the pain. He waited for being gone. It was just a matter of seconds now. Only it didn't happen. He suddenly found himself cuddled up in a white cloud of feathers. Feeling soft warmness around his whole body and instead of crushing he was slowly hovering away from the ground. By the angel was this death? But since when death had gorgeous hazel eyes starring at him right into his soul? 

 

* * *

 

 

 

  
_"It must have been cold there in my shadow,_  
_To never have sunlight on your face._  
_You were content to let me shine, that's your way._  
_You always walked a step behind._  
_So I was the one with all the glory,_  
_While you were the one with all the strength._  
_A beautiful face without a name for so long._  
_A beautiful smile to hide the pain._  
_Did you ever know that you're my hero,_  
_And everything I would like to be?_  
_I can fly higher than an eagle,_  
_For you are the wind beneath my wings._  
_It might have appeared to go unnoticed,_  
_But I've got it all here in my heart._  
_I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it._  
_I would be nothing without you._  
_Did you ever know that you're my hero?_  
_You're everything I wish I could be._  
_I could fly higher than an eagle,_  
_For you are the wind beneath my wings._  
_Did I ever tell you you're my hero?_  
_You're everything, everything I wish I could be._  
_Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,_  
_For you are the wind beneath my wings,_  
_'cause you are the wind beneath my wings._  
_Oh, the wind beneath my wings._  
_You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings._  
_Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high._  
_Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings._  
_Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings._  
_Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,_  
_So high I almost touch the sky._  
_Thank you, thank you,_  
_Thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings"._

_(Beneath my wings, Bette Midler)_


	4. Between heaven and hell

Alec had never been so close to Magnus like this. In fact he had never been so close to anyone in his whole life. His wings and arms were around him, holding him tight while they were slowly floating towards the starbright sky. For a few moments all they could do was stare at each other not being able to say a word.

 

When Magnus realized the fluffy cloud with hazel eyes around him was not death but Alec Lightwood himself so many different emotions rushed through him at the same time. He had been convinced that the only way to end his heartbreak was letting his life go. Just minutes before the sharp pain had almost torn him apart. And now he felt it. The softest and safest place on earth in these heavenly arms. Since meeting Alexander for the first time he wanted to be near him. He had imagined how it would feel like to have him close. But no phantasy had prepared him for this. Their bodies were pressed against each other and Alec's wings were around him from his head to his toes. Magnus could feel him everywhere. It was so much better than anything else he had experienced in his whole long life. And at the same moment it was the worst thing ever because suddenly his anxiety kicked in. This sanctuary  wasn't going to last. Alec would have saved anyone in such a situation. Nothing had changed between them.

 

The silence between them continued until they reached the balcony and Alec let Magnus slowly out of his embrace. Magnus stepped back in the direction of his loft and finally found his voice. 

 

"You shouldn't have done this, Shadowhunter ... it only makes it harder" His words sounded much angrier than he intended to. 

 

Alec was not sure how to answer. He still felt shaken about how close he had come to loose Magnus.  "If you mean saving your life ... I will not apologize for it. And if you think ending your existence is a way out think again. Because this is not the solution. This can never be the solution." Alec replied determined. 

 

"Well isn't that what you want? I mean ... I know not this way ... but at the end .... you prefer a world where I don't bother you ... " Magnus replied now more exhaused than furious. It didn't sound as an accusation. It was simply describing what had happened between them in the last few weeks. 

 "I ... oh my god ...no .... I am so sorry if I made you think like this". There it was again. The heavy pain in his chest. Alec felt helpless. And that was one of the things he didn't like at all. Especially after he realized how much he really hurt Magnus. Could he ever make it right? 

 

Magnus on the other hand felt sorry too.  Instead of thanking Alec for saving him he had messed up again as soon as he had opened his mouth. Not good enough. Either he was doing too little or too much. Could he ever make it right? 

 

The awkward silence between them returned. Both were lost in self-blame when suddenly a loud voice interrupted the silence. "What have you done to my son? Have you used your little magic tricks? In front of them stood the furious mother of Alec and Magnus could only think being dead right now would have not been the worst place to be after all. 

 

"Well it is always a pleasure to see you too Maryise Lightwood" he answered instead.  

 

"Mother you have no idea. This is not the time to discuss anything" Alec tried to intervene. 

 

"You are absolutely right. This - whatever it is - it is over. We are leaving and you will set things straight with Lydia. Almost everybody has arrived for tomorrow and they are waiting" Maryse replied while shooting hateful looks at Magnus.   

 

 

"Things are right between us, actually they have never been better between Lydia and me" Alec replied after thinking of their last conversation. 

 

"As far as I am enjoying this heartwarming declaration of feelings I would rather prefer that you would continue outside"  Magnus was nothing but tired of all that had happened today and being reminding of the upcoming marriage between Alec and Lydia didn't help at all. 

 

"Oh don't act innocent. You are such a pathetic scum. Even your magic has limits. Whatever you have done so that Alec would cancel his wedding it won't last. Do you hear me? You are nothing but an abomination" Maryse was about to hit Magnus not only verbally but also physically. 

 

"ENOUGH!" Alec pushed his mother back to the entrance door and then outside. "Alec you are destroying everything. Your career, our family". Without answering he went back in the loft and shut the door.  

 

Taking a deep breath he faced Magnus again who had a strange look on his face. 

 

"I'm so sorry about my mother. Don't take anything seriously what she said. I will leave now too. I just want to be sure that you are okay. Shall I call anyone? Raphael, maybe?" Alec whispered slightly leaning on the entrance door. 

 

"Alexander you are driving me crazy. Are you going to marry tomorrow or not?" Magnus needed to know now. Canceling the wedding would not mean that he and Alec would finally have a chance of becoming more. But hoping that Alec would not go through with a mistake he could easily regret a lifetime ... that was all Magnus cared right now.  

 

 


	5. Nothing but the truth.

Just moments ago Magnus had been drowning in tiredness. Not only because of this day but because of a whole lifeline which had made him feel not wanted. Right from the start and so many times through the years to follow. But suddenly he was wide awake. Maybe there was still hope after all. If not for him than at least for the man standing in front of him.  

 

"Are you going to marry or not?" Magnus asked again, almost not able to look into Alec's eyes. 

 

"Well ... not tomorrow. Maybe somewhere in the future. But definitely not Lydia Branwell. I mean she's really great and I hope she finds a person who loves her the way she deserves...But it can't be me. You were right. I wasn't following my heart."

 

"Oh Alexander I am so happy for you...I mean ... don't get me wrong. Somehow this sounds not the right thing to say after someone decides NOT to marry" Magnus bursted out and for the first time this day he had a shy but genuine smile on his face.

 

"No it is okay. I AM happy. This marriage would have been living a lie right from the start" Alec returned a smile, feeling much less tensed seeing Magnus brighten up a little bit.

 

"And the truth is?" Magnus whispered before thinking. After he had spoken the question out loud he was not sure if he really wanted to hear more. It felt like his whole existence depended on the answer and maybe it was.

 

Alec stepped closer. It was time. Finally. 

 

"You." He replied with a calmness in his voice like he hadn't been more sure about anything else in the world. 

 

"Me?" Magnus again felt like he couldn't breath but this time it wasn't due to pain. 

 

"Yes you Magnus Bane. High Warlock of Brooklyn. Since the moment we have met you turned my life upside down. And I'm sooo terrible sorry that I pushed you away because I couldn't handle it. Remember when you said I unlocked something in you? You did the same to me. I hope that one day you can forgive me for taking  such a long time to admit it. But you set me free. All my heart and soul". 

 

There it was. Nothing but the truth. 

 

 

 


	6. Stay with me

"Your heart and soul?" Magnus repeated the words of Alec to make sure he really understood them right. 

 

Alec took another step closer. Even the small physical distance between them seemed now too much. On the same time he was unsure how to proceed. He was more trained to fight people off but not to let them near. And he also wasn't sure if Magnus still wanted him there. So Alec stopped moving and focused on his words again.

 

"Yes, you unlocked my heart and soul. So please whatever happens don't ever think again the world is a better place without you. And if the world is too much to take, including me and my stupidness, I hope you always have someone you can turn to. Because a world without you is not good enough, it would never be good enough" While speaking out the last sentence Alec could feel his anxiety rising again. He had come far too close to witness the loss of Magnus. It had been just a matter of seconds. Seconds which would have changed his whole life forever in the worst possible way. 

 

"Oh Alexander I am so sorry you had to see me like that ... Today was ... I thought ... it all felt soo ..."

 

"I understand. You don't have to apologize. Maybe some time in the future ... if I can earn your trust back ...if you should ever feel this way again you can also come to me. I mean if you want to. And if there is anything I can do now to make it easier let me know."

 

Magnus was lost for words. The last hours had been like hell and now the one person who he cared for since a very long time was standing there. And this person didn't want him gone but better. It should have been nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe for some people this was the most normal thing to experience. But not for him. Since he was a child people had been more concerned at keeping him at distance than letting him near. Worst of all some of his closest and oldest connections had done the same. Could this be an exception? Could Alexander Lightwood be an exception? 

 

"Thank you. You already saved my life tonight. I think this is quite enough" Magnus gave Alec a tender smile feeling suddenly hope spreading through his body like the first time he had met the Shadowhunter. 

 

"So ... I ... you should probably take a rest now. Call me if you need anything. Anytime." Alec stepped back into the direction of the entrance. Leaving Magnus now somehow felt equally right and wrong. He wanted to give him space to recover but he was also afraid of letting him alone. 

 

Magnus followed him to the loft door still unable to express all his overwhelming feelings.

 

When both reached out for the door knob their hands brushed against each other. Just hours ago Alec would have removed his arm immediately but now he just stayed there and allowed himself to feel. Feel Magnus and feel himself. He began to move his fingers slowly up and down at the hand of Magnus, sensing the life force which ran through the veins. And sensing another emotion. The need to protect it, protect Magnus Bane, with all his powers. It reminded him of his duties as a Shadowhunter but at the same time it was totally different. Because this was not about the law. This was about lo...no could it really be? Only after such a short time?   

 

Magnus had again difficulties to breath. This small gesture of Alec made him feel safe like never before. He squeezed his hand back. Also slowly first but than suddenly he pulled Alec close to his whole body, wrapping his arms around him and letting his head rest on his shoulder. 

 

"Don't please" Magnus whispered.

 

"What?" 

 

"Don't go. Please stay with me. Just a few moments more. I mean if you don't want to..."

 

Alec didn't let Magnus think further and finish the sentence. 

 

"I'd love to"

 

Alec had never really used this words in that particular order before but it expressed everything he felt in that moment and for Magnus Bane. 


	7. Flying high

Still holding each other tightly Alec and Magnus were looking both for words to express all what they meant for each other. 

"So..." Magnus started.

"So..." Alec repeated with a shy smile. 

"What you did for me...your wings...they are quite impressive"

Alec blushed: "Yeah?"

"Yeah" Magnus softly began to caress the back of Alec. "Definitely ... I have seen so much in my life but never something like this"

"Shadowhunters normally keep them concealed... well not all of us. Jace shows them off to his 'book club' members in every possible opportunity" Alec answered with an amused tone. 

"And you?"

"I ...usually I keep them out of sight except in front of my family" 

"Well that is a shame. To hide so much beauty from the world" Magnus smirked back. 

Alec blushed again and Magnus couldn't help but stare in awe how adorable he looked. 

Suddenly Alec began to untangle himself from the warlock and Magnus felt a rush of fear. But he understood. After all it had been quite a day. Some of the worst things in his existence had happened in the last hours. As well as some of the best. Both of them definitely needed some rest. And hopefully he and Alec would then have the time to discover more about each other and what they could be. Together. 

His thoughts were interrupted by giggles of Alec who pulled him gentle. Not towards the exit of his loft but rather to the balcony again. "Come"

Magnus let him lead both of them outside feeling slightly nervous. "So ...what now Shadowhunter?" 

"Come...come and fly with me High Warlock of Brooklyn"

"Really?" 

"Bad idea?" Alec began to feeling insecure about his suggestion.

"No. Not all all. I just...aren't you tired? It has been such a long day and if you want to go home I totally get it. We can meet tomorrow or the day afterwards or on Sund..."

"I'm okay. More than okay actually. But if you want to res...

"No no no... Not a chance. I won't miss a 'once in a lifetime' - opportunity" Magnus replied quickly. 

Alec pulled him closer. Again they carefully lifted up in a tight embrace but this was different than before. There was no panic. No rush. All the weight from the last days, maybe even from their whole existences, slowly resolved. 

"Hi"

"Hi" 

The lights of the stars began to shine brighter as they took off from the city. 

Alec's wings were again all around their bodies preventing them from getting cold. Still they could feel and see each others breath. 

""I... wondered..."

"Yes Alexander?"

"I would like to...I just don't know..." Alec tried to put in words what he had longed for since the first day they had met. He had visioned it a thousand times but nothing could have prepared him for this moment. He just couldn't bring out the words, mostly being afraid of his own inexperience and not being able to do it right. 

"Hey whatever it is you can tell me"  Magnus tried calm him down with a soft voice. "I'm here for you". He slowly raised his hands and touched the face of Alec, caressing his cheeks.

Alec closed his eyes and moved a little closer to Magnus. "I have never kissed anyone before" he whispered unable to look at Magnus. 

Magnus himself was relieved that Alec couldn't see his initial shock. He assumed that Alec hadn't been much involved into relationships but this was beyond his expectations.  

"I wanted it to do with someone special. Then so much time passed and I began to doubt if I would ever find the right person but now ..."

"Now?"

"Now you are here" 

Magnus heart began to beat faster and he felt it difficult again to breath. He was here. But he had been so close to be gone. Suddenly he felt tears filling his eyes thinking about what could have been or rather not have been if he had lost his life today. So damn close of not being able to share all of this with Alec. He tried to remain silent but a sob escaped from his mouth. 

Hearing it Alec opened his eyes again. "Hey I am here too. We are both here". Without thinking further he gently started kissing the tears on the cheeks of Magnus away. Finally their lips met the first time and they melted into each other. Feeling every movement, filling the air with soft moans. They only stopped to catch their breath and then gazed at each other with astonishment. 

"Alexander...I may be more experienced but this ... it never felt like this before. Never so wonderful. Never so right. Never so ... you" 

Both started kissing again feeling a calmness and excitement at the same time. 

"Thank you for saving me" Magnus stated between their touches. 

"Thank you for saving me too". Alec replied with a dancing heart. 

"Wow Mr. Lightwood. Your wings...I didn't know that Shadowhunters can do this."

Alec looked at them and saw how they emitted the softest gold ray of lights.

"Oh ...Me neither...It seems you continue to unlock things, Mr. Bane." 

 

 

 


End file.
